beige or ivory color wears for a wedding

I am reposting this not only bc we need to keep having the discussion, but also as part of my own personal healing process.

While I am sure there are legitimate reasons and rare cases to have an abortion as a last resort , the fact remains that it is too easy to get one and our youth are taught it's no big deal (and for pro abortionists, it's considered a badge of honor). No one discusses the long term effects of abortion - on your body and mind.

My goal is to educate. My goal is to forgive myself and those around me. Both are not easily forthcoming.

Read on:

"and as the furious debate about selling baby parts rages on, my story, the story i keep hidden in a dark secret place from everyone else - but live it every day, comes bubbling up to the surface, making it difficult for me to think of anything else.

this a is compilation of an ongoing discussion with Cathy May, who found me and let me know i was not alone...thank you Cathy - I've decided to step out of the shadows:

i have been drowning in shame and embarrassment and self loathing for so long i never expected there were others like me, but there are. my story makes me nauseous. married, 4 children, wanted more children, new job, i was the bread winner making good money, new boss who was a c***, got pregnant, we both panicked, decided it was not a good time, it would wreck my career, it would be overwhelming for the 3 littlest ones (the youngest 2 at the time and one age 5 with autism, and another age 6), we would have no "us" time, i would have to nurse and lose sleep and work full time, i would be exhausted and wouldn't be there for the other children bc of my low energy, i could possibly lose my job, we only had one income, blah blah blah...grrrrrr! the excuses were abundant. the pathway to an abortion much too easy, much too accepted. i had one as a teen also, more so out of my control type thing. that's a whole other story. the grief i feel now for not standing up for my babies is unbearable. i ended up losing my job to layoffs anyway, we had a house fire, we justified it again that it was best we weren't unemployed and displaced with a baby during all that turmoil. but i would live in a tent in the middle of a garbage dump if it meant i could go back and have that choice back. i blame society. i blame myself. i blame my husband. i blame everyone who supported me instead of questioning me. i have NEVER felt such pain and grief in all my life. a stupid selfish decision "rationalized" between two married people who loved each other - i cant think of a more egregious heinous decision ever made. beige or ivory color wears for a wedding

Bc i was/am well educated, bc i seemed to have my head on straight, no one questioned me. No one stopped to give me pause to think. There should be warnings, there should be serious discussions in the doctors office. I wasn't aware that people with past episodes of depression should not undertake this procedure (well no one should, but the warning alarms should have gone off) i myself have NEVER read about depression and post abortion stress syndrome. It seems anything with the words stress, syndrome, or disorder are immediately dismissed as not real by most of society. Those babies are not real either. We are fed a line of shit from the get go.

It is disgusting how easy it is to get an abortion. Its like driving thru a fast food joint and ordering a burger. "I'll take one 8 week abortion with a side of tubal ligation..." "coming right up! Pull up to the second window..." so nonchalant. So common place.

I play Devils advocate with myself, telling myself - And now, NOW i dare to grieve? You did this so long ago deb, you CHOSE it. How can you grieve a life you determined wasn't worthy of living? How can you grieve a life you determined was too early in cellular development to be considered a human - to be considered viable. To me, evil won and forgiveness is elusive.

I ache.

for me it was that pressure of a woman my age wanting to have a fifth child while working - how can you do that? you MUST focus on your career and what you already have, what a line of horseshit . i bought into it and used it as my justification for something my mind and heart can NEVER justify. the complications are dire.

When I hear stories from other women, im even more ashamed at my circumstance. I wasn't forced by anyone but myself and probably the worst case of miscommunication a husband and wife could have. We went through all the pros and cons of having the baby, there were more cons. Then that became the bar that was set... And looking back he remembers the events differently than I. But I know i flipped out after that, during a sonogram when I heard the heartbeat. I couldn't do it. but i did. it was terrible. it IS terrible. and the damage is irreversible. I will always have the deep ache in my heart and soul. and i continue to grieve..."