English Funny Stories Chapter 3

1. HOW TO PLEASE A WOMAN
A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5- story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor-by-floor,and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

2. UGLY BABY
A woman gets on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

3. WHAT DO YOU GET FOR 25$ ?
George and Harriet were married twenty-five years. They decided to celebrate with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt, became very friendly. George brushed her off rather rudely. Harriet objected, "George, she was nice, that young woman, and you were so rude." "Harriet, she's a prostitute." "I don't believe you. That sweet young lady?" "Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for Bambi to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, okay?" She did. Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.
"So, I see you're interested after all," she said. George asked, "How much do you charge?" "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services." George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25." Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can
buy sex for that price." "Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business.Goodbye." After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. "I just can't believe it." George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner." At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

4. I’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR THE PERFECT GIRL
A friend asked me the other day why i never got married. I replied "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl." "Oh, come on now," said my friend. "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry." "Yes, there was one girl... once. I guess she was the one perfect girl -- the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything... I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me." "Well, why didn't you marry her?" asked my friend. I shrugged my shoulders and replied, "She was looking for the perfect man."

5. TWO DEALERS AND A VERY ATTRACTIVE LADY
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless." With that, she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!" She then begins jumping up and down and hugging and kissing each of the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!" With that, she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I don't know! I thought YOU were watching!"

6. BEFORE I MARRY SARAH
Patient: "Doctor, before I marry Sarah next Saturday, there's something I'd like to get off my chest."
Doctor: "What's that?"
Patient: "A tattoo saying 'I love Alice.'"

7. DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE
A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!" Several men stood up as the lights came on. An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her,"Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a good girl?"

8. TWO NUNS IN AN ALLEY
Two nuns went out of their convent to sell cookies. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical and the other one was known as Sister Logical. It was getting dark and they were still far away from the convent.
Sister Logical: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?
Sister Mathematical: Yes, I wonder what he wants.
Sister Logical: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do, of course, is to walk faster.
Sister Mathematical: It's not working.
Sister Logical: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.
Sister Mathematical: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
Sister Logical: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and was worried about what had happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrived, breathless and flushed.
Sister Mathematical: "Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!"
Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
Sister Mathematical: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
Sister Logical: I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
Sister Mathematical: And?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, dear! What did you do?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! What happened then?
Sister Logical: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run much faster than a man with his pants down........

9. GOD AND EVE IN THE GARDEN
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God... "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man,' Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie,cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such in a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advise to think properly.”
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"What's the catch, Lord?"
"Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self- admiring . . . So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first . . . So, just remember . . . it's our secret . . . Woman to woman."

10. THE WANTED AD RESPONDENT
RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:
1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"
"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."
The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

11. ASKING PERMISSION
"Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she can't live without me, and she wants to marry me."
"And you're asking my permission to marry her?"
"No, I'm asking you to make her leave me alone."

12. I TOOK WHAT I WANT
One summer's evening Paddy & Mick are on their way to the pub for their usual drink.
"I’m a bit tired tonight," says Mick. "I think I'll just have a little lie down in this ditch and have a little sleep. You can wake me up on your way home later."
"Right, you are," says Paddy, and they separate.
At the end of the evening, Paddy comes out of the pub and starts walking back to collect Mick from his ditch. He hasn't gone far when Mick rolls up beside him driving a big shiny Volvo.
"Where did you get that lovely car from?!" asks Paddy, astonished.
"Well, I'll tell you. It was like this," says Mick. "There I was lying in the ditch having a nice snooze and I had just turned over onto me other side when up drives a lovely lady in her nice new Volvo and asks me if I'd like to come for a drive with her. Well, I thought, why not? It's a lovely evening for a drive. So in I got. She drove along for a bit and then turned off into a field. She got out of the car, took off all her clothes and said,
"Take what you want!" So I took the Volvo.

13. VENGEANCE
Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So, what she did is this: she took a picture of her having sex with her new boyfriend's and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents. cocktail dresses for tall ladies

14. RAVISHING GIRL AND 3 MEN
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of
you will give me $1, I will show you my legs."
The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet, and then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10, I'll show you my thighs."
Men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her undies. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."
Naturally, all three fork over the money. Then the girl turns to the window and points to a hospital in the distance and says, "There!"

15. INDECENT PROPOSAL
A man walks up to a woman in a bar and says, "Excuse me, would you have sex with a man you didn't know for one million dollars?"
She thinks about the proposition for a minute, and then replies, "Yes, I would sleep with a man I don't know for a million dollars."
The man then asks,"Would you sleep with me for fifty cents?"
Insulted, the woman replies, "Of course not!! How could you ask me such a thing?"
The man states, "Well, we've already established the fact that you're a whore. Now I'm just haggling over the price."

16. I’M DYING FROM AIDS
A son and father went to see a doctor since the father was getting very ill. The doctor told the father and son that the father was dying from cancer. The father, who was an Irishman, turned to his son and said, "Son, even on this gloomy day, it’s our tradition to drink to health as it is in death, so let's go to the pub and celebrate my demise."
Reluctantly, the son follows his father to the local pub. There, while enjoying their ale, the father sees some old friends and tells them he is dying from AIDS.
Shocked, the son turns to his father and says, "Father, it is not AIDS you are dying from, it is cancer, why did you lie to those men?"
The father replies, "Aye, my son, you are right; but I don't want those guys shagging your mom when I'm gone."

17. THE PROPOSAL
One evening, a young woman came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."

18. GIA ĐÌNH INHERITANCE
Two friends meet on a Miami street. One looked forlorn, and almost on the verge of tears. The other man said, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?"
The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars."
"That's not bad."
"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket , and left me eighty-five thousand dollars."
"Sounds like you should be grateful."
"Last week my great aunt passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."
"Then how come you look so glum?"
"This week . . . nothing!"

19. HE HAS NO PLANS
A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but he thinks I'm God."

20. MY THREE CHEAP SONS
The wealthy old gentleman and his wife were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary and their three grown sons joined them for dinner. The old man was rather irritated when he discovered none of the boys had bothered to bring a gift, and after the meal, he drew them aside.
"You're all grown men," he said, "and old enough to hear this. Your mother and I have never been legally married."
"What?" gasped one of the sons. "Do you mean to say we're all bastards?"
"Yes," snapped the old man, "and cheap ones, too!"

21. THE GIFTS ...
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together they discussed gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "Ha, I got you both beat. Remember how mother loved to read the Bible? And you know that she can't see very well? Well, I sent her an amazing parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Church elders 14 years to teach him. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Adam," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so big. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Jon," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel and stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Gerald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was absolutely delicious..."

22. BANTER BIT
The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband. "I've been insulted," she sobbed. "Your mother insulted me."
"My mother!" he exclaimed. "But she is a hundred miles away."
"I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it."
He looked stern, "I see, but where does the insult come in?"
"In the postscript," she answered. "It said: "Dear Alice, don't forget to give this letter to George.'"